Glass Doll

Our younger daughter, Erin and her husband, Ryan came home to rally me on my 2nd round of chemo. I was really encouraged and ready to go through the 2nd treatment. I pad, kindle and my phone all packed and Erin/Ryan, Hin sing and me arrived at the Center. Many people knew about my schedule and prayed for us for this round of treatment. I was so ready......

The doctor came in with my blood test report. Everything looks good except my platlet is dropping to low level. This time it is not the sodium, not the rising of white cell, but it is the platlet. My mind quickly went into action plan, ok, just give me blood then. The doctor shook his head, "we have to find out why your bone marrow is not making the red cell as we have expected. We cannot proceed with the chemo today." Oh, what a disappointment. My perfect plan is to have chemo this week, getting ready for our older daughter, Ling and her family to arrive and spend a week with us. We even went out to shop for toys and play things for our precious grand daughters to enjoy while I can rest at home with them.

This is a bomb, all my plans are crashed, deflated. Yet, when Erin/Ryan drove up to pick us up, a friend of church called me while I was still in the car, she said she went to the treatment center to visit me and found out that my treatment was cancelled. Fortunately I am still there in the parking area. Without me knowing it, God has sent an angel to come all the way from Bothell to just to keep me companied for my treatment and also brought me many goodies as well. While I apologized for wasting her trip, she turned around to encourage me to go out and have a good time with my family. She was right, our Lord does not make mistakes. He is in full charge of my schedule and events, why am I down hearted because of change of schedule?

Earlier while in the doctor's office, I even bargain or better word was to suggest to the doctor that the 2nd round should be on my schedule of convinience and commitment, but he only said, we just have to wait and see. But in the meantime we are scheduling you for next Monday and few tests in between. Oh, remember, don't use knife, don't fall or have cut wound, you will be in danger. I jokingly said, yes sir, I will be a glass doll in the time being, being pampered by my husband and daughters while we wait.

Sun is shinning through my home office while I write this blog, God is reminding me "I am in charge, not you. Submit to me with gladness and enjoy this moment while you can." So here I am, in good health (except my blood), being pampered and planning eat outs with Erin (btw, she is also on work assignment, and I have to honor that too) while I can. Hin sing came home after work, always asking "what would you ladies like to eat tonight?" Wow, what a life.....

Inside out

during this most recent hospitalization, I was assigned to a double room. :(

First enounter: I was really sick when I was admitted into the room. My roommate #1 greeted me warmly, and I tried to settle in after all the commotion. The TV was blasting next to me, this was our conversation.
Me: Mame, I am really tired and want to sleep, do you mind to turn your TV down a bit so that I can rest? (She was watching "the sharks") which is one of my favorite. But nothing done.
Me: oh did you have problem turning the volume button, it is not any lower.
#1: this is the lowest volume it gets.
Me: do you mind if I ask the nurse to come and check out your control?
#1: if you want to, ( sound kind of disgust)
Nurses were summoned and came per my request.
Nurse: Mame, let me check out your control to see if we can adjust the volume
#1: No, this is the volume I normally have to put myself to sleep.
Nurse turned around and said to me, we are taking you out to another room and get you rested. Wow, sounds heavenly to me.

Second encounter: A petite quiet Japanese lady who does not speak English
Never look at a person from his or her appearance. She was combative, trying all night to climb out of bed. Yelling out daughter's name all night long. I felt I was in nursing home environment. I was so frustrated, on the way to bathroom, I looked at her sternly, motions her to zip her lips and close her eyes. My evil look may have scarred her a bit, but not for long.
Morning shift came in with a joyful nursing aid who is loud and not so professional. He played into her mood, those two just stimulate one another and I was about to scream.

Then the charge nurse came to apologize to me for this unfavorable encounter, she send in an Indian volunteer young man to just sit with her to make sure she does not climb out. This young man was on his I phone learning Japanese phrases to communicate with this lady. I told him he is a saint, but he said, "no Mame, I am a fool". TRue humility.

Third encounter:  A 86 yrs old with a French name
Mid night I was awakened by all the commotion next to my empty bed. Aiyahhhh... They promised me to have no more  roommate if they can help. Urinary track infection causes her to call for bathroom help every 5 minutes. I was dead tired and could have cared less. The sweet nurse came and apologized again for not able to fulfill their promise.

Life is full of curve balls, yet every encounter is in God's hand. The outcome of each of these encounters is all depends on what is inside of me. That is the reason I borrowed the movie title "Inside out" to describe my reent journey.

Blood factor

Psalms 139: 13-16 " For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depth of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All days ordained for me were written in your book, before one of them came to be." 
In these past few months, I learned many facts about blood in my system. Though I have some medical training, but blood is definitely not my interest. When my blood work became unbalanced, it affects so many other organs and energy level. In another words, good blood sustain life and give us energy, as simple as that. With chemo, my bad white count goes down which is very promising, but at the same time, I also lose my red blood cells. The doctor was very puzzled and ordered blood transfusion. Even with the additional blood, my red cell continues to drop and finally was stabilized as a result of many prayers. I am so thankful for all the prayer support from people near and far, many of them I have never met, but only through our daughters and friends and family. This makes me think one step deeper…. As I serve as an “online missionary” through an organization, my job was to walk people through the new found faith they discovered through the various web sites. One of the reminder that I send to them is always encourage them to find a faith base community to plug themselves in, learn from others and let others step in to help him/her grow in this spiritual journey. Life could have ups and down, but surround yourself with friends of same faith to be held accountable and learn from one another. Just like I need that two units of someone else’s blood to boost up my count and grant me energy. I am thankful to those who took time to donate their precious blood to help us who are in need. Indeed I am fearfully and wonderfully made by my creator, Hallelujah!!

What goes up must come down

It is a common saying, what goes up must come down. I always joke about my blood count like the stock market, up and down. While my count climbed too high, over 100,000 (normal should be around 4000), it is time to come down. Everytime, when things need to come down, it Will go through some changes, changes are necessary to make things balanced.
Am I expected this type of changes? Doctor told me, no. This is totally out of ordinary, because I am special. I am specially made by my heavenly father, He know every fabric of my being, my blood make up and all. He provide me a safe environment here in the hospital for close monitor and treatment, I am surrounded by prayers, it could not be better than this.
This is the fourth day here in the hospital, may go to five to stabilize everything before I can be released. Patience is needed for these changes and adjustment. Isn't this true for all our lives?
Here I met with so many compassionate medical staff and truly blessed by their care. Email, phone calls, Facebook messages, we chat and visits indeed offer me great encouragement. Best of all, God's presence in my heart And soul is so evident. This is my life verse to share with you.
Isaiah 43:2-3 "when you go through the waters, I will be with you, through the rivers, they will not go over you, when you go through the fire, you will not be burned, and the flames will have no power over you. for I Am your God, the holy one of Israel, your savior...." Isn't this the best assurance for changes?

Out of my grip into God's anchor

People always tell me that I am a very organized person, which I take pride in it. But in reality, I am a control freak. I have my diagnosis of CLL (Chronic Lymphocytic Leukemia) since 1988, yes, 27 long years. I have alway take pride being the longest cancer survivor in my oncologist's patient list. I outbeat eveyone in the thickness of my chart. Fortunately the medical files have gone digital now, so won't take up too much space to keep mine.

When people asked me all these years, how am I doing with my CLL, I always said, it is in control, whatever that means. Until recently, my blood is out of control (in human form), but totally fall into God's control and timing. I have been blessed for 27 years, experienced the joy of being young mom, crusing through the precious teen age years. Sending our girls to college, seeing them married with Godly men and experienced the joy of being poh poh. Such a satisfying and full life. However, recently, doctor talked to me about possible chemo on and off during my visits.  I would candidly told him I have many various things scheduled in my life, can I have the chemo after this and that event, and my doctor always said "sure, whenever you feel you are ready". Are you kidding. who is ready for chemo?

Well one thing led to another, started to have foot pain, came and gone so suddenly, then petechia (bleeding under my skin) in both legs, and the new blood tests shows some more changes. So I got the call, so to speak. Dr. Fer called and said, "ummm, after presenting your case to the tumor board, the recommendation is do not wait any longer. So come in and put in the port and we can start your chemo right away." I said "wow, that is too soon, I have new commitments since my retirement and all my travel plans to see our friends and children." Things seems out of control but in reality, it is really under God's control. He orchestrated my foot pain, my petechia, and sort of prepared my heart to face this new steps in my journey.

We are blessed with close family and many friends from the church, near and far. The incoming emails, phone calls are overwhelming, the care and love pouring in every minutes of these last few days with this new developement. So the journey begins, and yes, it seems to be an unwelcoming interruption and bump on the road, but I strongly believe they are only stepping stones to experience God's grace and many blessings.

Just before I went into the surgery to have my port inserted, a friend sent me this message:

God is good

God is love

God is able 

God is faithful

Fear not 

Only believe

Wow, did I need these reminder as I react to the anti-biotic prior to the procedure. My head got so itchy and could not scratch it due to sterilized enviroment and my hands are all tied down. What could I do except to remember these words before I was put to sleep. Thank you Jesus for the timely reminder. Indeed He is faithful and I am in His anchor. Just release!!!! Still learning.......

Back to the piano bench

At age 70, I finally started my retirement phase. I kept asking the Lord what and where I can serve you? Without any clue at the beginning, i was approached to be a discussion leader for the upcoming CBS. I said ok, it is about time for me to give back after so many years at BSF and CBS.

Then one day during coffee hours after worship, the choir director came and asked me if I can be the pianist for the English choir. I said, "What?" I have not been a formal pianist for more than 33 years and I only played for my own pleasure. I told her i need a bit of time to digest this request. My training was always in the classical, but not all those "funny rhythm". Actually, back in April, the Lord has already planted the seed in my heart to go back to my piano when we attended a concert at the cruise to Mediterranean. I even told my siblings, it is time for me to get back onto the bench. But had no idea that back to the bench means started a new serving opportunity with the choir.

In the past, I have been an accompanist for many years in my yesterday years. Once we moved to Seattle, there are so many accomplished pianists at church, so my gift is not needed in this area. I took the back seat and only played as needed. Though I have been very experienced to be the accompanist for any choir in Los Angeles, but with all these contemporary music, it is a different story. The ECC Choir drector approached me recently after I retired...I told the Lord that I am willing to give it a try if He helps me. So I got the music, mine o mine, they are different. Lots of rhythm, key changes and totally not my familiar style. Then I asked the Lord to give me a learning spirit, at this age of 70, I can still learn. My poor neighbors will have to suffer through my practise. At first, it did not sound too right, too many key changes, and the rhythem was off. Little by little, I feel more confident and able to play through those songs with emotion and dynamic. The phrase "not your ability, but your availability" kept me going. How true! I have no excuse, the Lord has given me years of learning and practise, though the gift needs to be taken down from the shelve, dust it, shake it and oil it to make it work again. I am willing, so God is doing His work through me. What a joy that is. May my serving not to glorify myself, but to testify God's precious provision.

Thank you Jesus for all these opportunities, may I be faithful in serving You.

A SIM card

My cell reception at home is very sporatic, I  installed digial booster, not much improvement. The T mobile technician said, no, you need Cell spot booster, not the digital ones. So I changed the units and even went out to get a new phone. It seems to work a few days after the new gadget arrived, but now, back to the same old comments I got... "Hey, Jennie, you are in and out of your phone conversation." My husband would say "Ling, why didn't you pick up your phone and my call to you always went to your voice mail." Or I missed important calls from my doctor's office. I about had it, ready to switch out of T mobile.

I decided to call the technical dept again, I am sure they had records of all my phone calls in the last few months. The rep. was very polite, "Ms. Li, let me look into your account and try to help you." I was put on hold for long while for her to read my record and she came back to tell me everything checked out ok, but only one thing you need to do. I thought I think iI had heard this phrase many times before. Only one thing? what is the one thing? She said, please go to to a local store to get a new SIM card. Your card is too old and cannot receive signal properly. What????

I went to the store, familiar faces there, they are so tired of seeing this grey hair lady coming in. But I told them what the rep told me, check my record, and Susan, the last technical support had put a note to my account to issue me a new SIM card. I asked the store rep. why a new SIM card? he shrugged and said, " it is too old, is not functioning or receving signal properly." Good thing he is talking about my SIM card, not me.

Now. this makes me thinking, so often, my conncection with the Lord became so old, I relied on other "knowledge" and "technology" to help me understand or proceed with life without really being connected to my heavenly Father. No wonder I have dropped calls, didn't hear it ring, went into voice mail and never even knew there is a voice mail msg there waiting for me.

Oh, heavenly Father, forgive me for being so distracted by all the other things around without getting to the right connection. Pray that my daily time with you will be refreshing, sweet and full of life from you. Amen.