Out of my grip into God's anchor

People always tell me that I am a very organized person, which I take pride in it. But in reality, I am a control freak. I have my diagnosis of CLL (Chronic Lymphocytic Leukemia) since 1988, yes, 27 long years. I have alway take pride being the longest cancer survivor in my oncologist's patient list. I outbeat eveyone in the thickness of my chart. Fortunately the medical files have gone digital now, so won't take up too much space to keep mine.

When people asked me all these years, how am I doing with my CLL, I always said, it is in control, whatever that means. Until recently, my blood is out of control (in human form), but totally fall into God's control and timing. I have been blessed for 27 years, experienced the joy of being young mom, crusing through the precious teen age years. Sending our girls to college, seeing them married with Godly men and experienced the joy of being poh poh. Such a satisfying and full life. However, recently, doctor talked to me about possible chemo on and off during my visits.  I would candidly told him I have many various things scheduled in my life, can I have the chemo after this and that event, and my doctor always said "sure, whenever you feel you are ready". Are you kidding. who is ready for chemo?

Well one thing led to another, started to have foot pain, came and gone so suddenly, then petechia (bleeding under my skin) in both legs, and the new blood tests shows some more changes. So I got the call, so to speak. Dr. Fer called and said, "ummm, after presenting your case to the tumor board, the recommendation is do not wait any longer. So come in and put in the port and we can start your chemo right away." I said "wow, that is too soon, I have new commitments since my retirement and all my travel plans to see our friends and children." Things seems out of control but in reality, it is really under God's control. He orchestrated my foot pain, my petechia, and sort of prepared my heart to face this new steps in my journey.

We are blessed with close family and many friends from the church, near and far. The incoming emails, phone calls are overwhelming, the care and love pouring in every minutes of these last few days with this new developement. So the journey begins, and yes, it seems to be an unwelcoming interruption and bump on the road, but I strongly believe they are only stepping stones to experience God's grace and many blessings.

Just before I went into the surgery to have my port inserted, a friend sent me this message:

God is good

God is love

God is able 

God is faithful

Fear not 

Only believe

Wow, did I need these reminder as I react to the anti-biotic prior to the procedure. My head got so itchy and could not scratch it due to sterilized enviroment and my hands are all tied down. What could I do except to remember these words before I was put to sleep. Thank you Jesus for the timely reminder. Indeed He is faithful and I am in His anchor. Just release!!!! Still learning.......