Lesson from my tree

My husband and I planted a new tree at our home in memory of my mom. This was a simple Cypress tree and symbolized many generations. I love the shape of this tree. It was green and full of life. A few weeks later, those vibrant green turned brownish. Hin sing and I chose to believe that it was still striving, just color was kind of fading.  In reality, we were just in denial......
After a few months of observation and watered it faithfully, we came to the conclusion that indeed the tree was not alive. Fortunately, home depot has this "unconditional" refund policy, they accepted our return and replaced it with no question asked.

A Beautiful vibrant tree

When Hin sing digged out the old tree and prepared for the replacement, he was surprised to find out that this tree came with a thin claypot wrapped around all the roots, when he watered it so faithfully, he didn't realize that he was only watering the soil outside the claypot, and none of the water/nutrients reach to the center where all the roots were. In another words, the root did not receive any water or nutrient while sitting there in our front yard.
This reminds me of our spiritual journey, we can flood ourselves with rituals, services, seminars, video, devotional material, but fail to let these precious resources reaching to our hearts and soul to transform our lives.

Same tree, no life left. 

We may fool ourselves thinking that we are growing, but everyone around us notice our color is fading, the shape may still look the same, but inside is dying.

As I prepare to give a talk on parenting, I will definitely use this tree as my object lesson. We diligently teach and nurture our children, only with the world view.... sucess in academic, good in sports, outstanding in music but fail to teach them God's truth and principles. Spiritual matter are not part of our daily conversation with them, just like we only water the soil around the claypot but not the roots inside.

"Show me you ways, O lord, teach me your paths. Guide me in your truth and teach me, for you are God my Savior and my hope is in you all day long"  Psalms 25:4-5

His eyes is on the sparrow

"I sing because I am happy, I sing because I am free, His eyes is on the sparrow, and I know He watches over me." I learned to play this hymn long ago, I took it as a challenge because it is a 5 Flats composition. I love the melody and I love the lyrics. I sing this song many times, never before I experienced His "watching over me" as much as my recent trip to the east coast.

Every year around mother's day weekend, my siblings and spouses got together in Toronto for a few days just to catch up and for a mini-reunion. This year we made an extra extension to Boston. We had a fantastic time together, lots of seafood feast and lots of laughter. I am so thankful as a family who shares the same faith, we prayed together a lot as well. Before we took off (two older siblings, one in law and me) driving back to Toronto from Boston, all the siblings prayed for our trip's safety. It was just a routine prayer I thought, because we do that all the time. (don't take this for granted)

We were about half way between Boston and Toronto, I was awaken with our car moving left and right, hitting the soft shoulder on the right, then bounced back and forth till we hit the median guard rail on the New York Throughway (I-90). Wow, no time to react, before I knew it, the car stopped at the shoulder next to the guard rail by the fast lane, all 8 airbags exploded immediately. My brother immediately calling us out to see if we are ok. To our huge surprise, all four of us did not sustain any injury except some muscle ache due to the seatbelt's protection. Both the Highway patrol and the tow truck drivers said to us, "The good Lord must be on your side, you didn't hit anyone on the freeway and none of you are injured". As the tow truck was hauling our car onto the flatbed truck, I asked the police what do people do when they have an accident on the freeway? He told us that we will be transported to the nearest town, then you find your way home. Did I hear him right? We were in no where near any big town, 5 hours from Toronto, about 4 hours from Boston, mine o mine, God was watching over us just like the song said. Piece by piece, siblings left in Boston made many calls for us to book hotel room in Buffalo NY where we needed to drop off the rental car. Then booked bus tickets for us to go home from Buffalo back to Toronto. Section by section, we finally made it back to Toronto 24 hours later. (I will spare you with all the details, but I have to share with you that our Lord was with us the entire time, things just don't happen coincidently. He orchestrated every single steps and pieces for us.... got a rental car in a tiny town, only minutes before they closed for the weekend, hotel, taxi, bus, etc.)

We all had our PTSD, could not close our eyes to rest and sleep, the entire crash incident would appear repeatedly in our mind. Then this song (His eyes is on the sparrow) came into my mind. Indeed our Lord has been watching over us, it was a miracle that we all survived without injury except the car was totalled and left in a small town garage.

These couple of days, I was reading Psalm 106 -108, the writers of these Psalms recorded what the Lord has done for His people.

"Give thank  to the Lord, for he is good, his love endures forever." (106:1, 107:1)
"My heart is steadfast, O God; I will sing and make music with all my soul." (108:1)

It would not be right if I hold back this incident without giving thanks to the Lord and it is a huge reminder to me and many that our lives really is in God's hand. I feel so unworthy for all these goodness that came my way. I pray and hope that my life is worth His calling.

Mother's day sighting

With Mother's day around the corner, I received gifts, flowers, videos, email and surprises from love ones. It is an exciting time of the year. I began to understand why God created woman (Eve) to examplify part of God's character. Mothers seems to get more acknowledgement than fathers, (sorry guys!) I guess because of the nurturing nature of mothers.

What kind of mother's day sighting did I witnessed yesterday? I was driving on 405 S, traffic slowed down due to an accident. As every car was about to pick up the speed, a few cars ahead of me made a sudden stop, I saw all the brake dust flying in the air. Not just one car, but cars of the entire free way of 5 lanes also stop. Wow, what is going on?

This is what I saw: a mother duck with her little ones crossing the busy freeway 405 S.

I imagine that mother duck said to her little ducks, hey, "we need to go over to the other side of the road, it is important that you will be brave, just follow me and we will make it." Isn't this what mothers do sometimes, facing the most challenging situations and have to " pretend" that you are brave, just stay together and follow me. This idea may not be the wisest one may say, but love is not logical. In the same manner, God sent His only Son to come and die for us in this sinful world, totally not logical and senseless, yet, because of His love, we are saved.

May you have a blessed mother's day. We do miss our mom (grandma and great grandma) at lot especially during this season.

p.s. No, I didn't take this picture while driving, just in case you wonder.

My "handicapable sign" is soon to expire

One of the perk for my recent journey is having this handicapped sign- it saved us a ton of money for parking during the many medical appointments and treatments and also the conviniences of finding a parking spot. My son in law, Ryan, always called this "handicapable" sign. I am glad that my journey is about to end temporarily, the tumor board agreed to hold off my treatment for the time being and re-check my blood every six weeks. I am good with such a decision and really want to take this time to thank all my friends and family for your fervent prayers, care and kindness. God indeed has done wonder in my life which I feel so unworthy. I do not know nor understand why my journey is a success to a certain degree while others are not as what we have prayed and hoped for. I do not deserve this special treatment from the Lord and yet, will pledge to INTENTIONALLY live it to the fullest for Him.

Today, I went to Children Hospital to visit a little friend, Ava, 7 years old from Chicago, who is fighting against the cancer in her tiny body. She and her family are new friends to us, our temporary neighbors at this moment. I told Ava I will ask all my friends who have been praying for me all these months will stop praying for me, but instead, to pray for little Ava. She gave me a sweetest smile and said, "thank you."

"Lord, I thank you for your special care for me all these months, may I ask you humbly to take care of our little friend, Ava and grant her days and years of good health and recovery. Grant strength to her family as they go through this difficult journey with her. You love her just as much you love me, take good care of her during the treatment process. Thank you. In your precious Son's name I pray, Amen"

This is written by Ava's mom, Esther.
http://fortheloveofavalee.blogspot.com/2016/03/update.html?m=1

Thorn in my blood

"There was given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me..... But He (the Lord) said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you for my power is made perfect in weakness." II Cor. 12:7, 9

We are all familiar with this passenge written by apostle Paul, and we all knew there was a thorn in his flesh, but not really know what it is. He has asked the Lord three times to take it away, but the answer to his request was "my grace is sufficient for you." I too, have a thorn in my blood, I didn't ask the Lord to remove it, ( I intentionally skipped verse 8 in the Bible quote) but I expect the recent chemo will do the work. WRONG! ummm... today is not a good day, I got so frustrated with my situation, the chemo treatment has been cancelled and postponed umteen times for one reason or the other. Many times I walked into the clinic with my husband expecting to be hooked up for the treatment. Hot soup, I pad, kindle and my cell phone all in one bag and got ready for a long day. We walked out untouched and headed out for lunch date or spend time with our children visiting from different states with the intention to rally alongside with me. Disappointed? Not really, because I enjoyed those perks of good times. However, extremely frustrated because I scheduled all my life activities around to accommodate the treatment, and instead I am getting no where. When people asked me when is my next chemo so that they can pray for me, my standard answer was you know as much as I know. Oh, how difficult it is to live in the unknown and uncertainties.

Many of you had been more than encouraging, telling me how much you enjoyed reading my blog and have been inspired by my experience. Really?? If you read the blog carefully, you can see the frustration in between lines, but today my frustration is very evident. My friend reminded me today that my frustration and maddness would not last more than a day, I wrote back to her, "don't worry, once I aired it out, I am totally fine again."

My recent bone marrow test shows that cancer cells still there, but the doctor is not sure if I would get into the same reaction like last chemo if another treatment is given. I told him clearly that if possible, I do not want another treatment. If the Lord has granted me 27 yrs with the cells growing inside my blood (the thorn), I probably can go on with the unwelcome cells inside me together with God's grace, just like what Paul had said in his letter to the Corinthians. His grace is more than enough for my alloted days on earth. Oh, I feel so relieved and will slowly resume my various responsibilities as my health can afford. My oncologist will still present my case to the tumor board (he missed last week's mtg) and I am sure they would be just as puzzled. I jokingly told my doctor to add my case onto the medical history as exceptional or extraordinary.

When I meet apostle Paul in the future, we could definitely compare our thorns. But by then, who cares? We will be so excited by all the other heavenly things.....

This is the needle for my bone marrow. Hin sing wanted to save it to use as a tool.

Turtle and the rabbit

Everyone is familiar with the story of the race of a turtle and a rabbit. Turtle being known as sturdy, stable and constant while rabbit being fast, very reactive and impatient.  I am more or less be identified with the rabbit, for those who know me, "speed" is my middle name. I tend to do things really fast, not necessarily accurate, unfortunately. Planner and a controller, and got into a lot of unnecessary detours and unwanted worries. These are not necessarily all bad nor good, but it is a journey that I am going through. About a year ago, my oncologist had already been talking about chemo for my blood condition, he told me that he wanted to do it around Christmas time (2014) so that I would be all better by the time of Chinese New Year (2015). Oh, I told him Christmas season is important to me, but Chinese New Year is not as important celebration in my household. Now, one year later, very close to another Chinese New Year, I am still not done with my chemo....

In this past year, so much has happened, so many detours. Though this rabbit (me) is running really fast, but all seem to lead to no where. ummm. With all these set backs, postponement, cancellation and rescheduling, I really do not know where I am heading to. However, all these interruptions gave me great blessings of experiencing God's steadfastness, sturdy pace, focus path and constant provision and protection. (In no way I am comparing God with turtle) In another word, I need to learn to slow down, to let go and be led instead of leading my own schedule and planning.

Rejoice in th Lord always. I will say it again: rejoice! (Philippians 4:4) I have to admit it is hard to rejoice when things are out of control, cannot plan anything solidly. Every schedule is so fluid, changes everyday. Though the situation is so uncertain, I am blessed with many perks of mini travel, meeting up with family and friends. Since I do not have regular working hours, time is my commodities that I use them to meet up with people that I normally don't get to meet. Make time for simple meals with friends/family and learning to cook again. Regain some of my kitchen territories from my dear hubby. That is the lesson I am learning to rejoice in the midst of uncertainties.

Back to the story of the rabbit. The nature of rabbit in me will not change, but I am learning to enjoy every moment that the Lord has given me. Interruptions are good, they are opportunities to slow down and experience God's presence and peace.

In my head I am already planning how to talk to my oncologist to schedule my next chemo to accommodate Erin/Ryan's visit here next week so that we can spend some quality time in Vancouver for pre-Chinese New Year celebration. Aiyahhh.... this rabbit is busy running again.